What more could you want than an exotic holiday in the sun... in Nottingham. We've just been on holiday at CenterParcs and it was great - mostly. I swam, cycled, took photos, helped move the furniture, got ill and threw up a few times (I won't go into details) and wrote a letter to santa! NB: notice how my age is cleverly disguised.

A whole day passed without a response, I was gutted (but that was due to being sick). The day we were going to leave, we visited the information centre and pinned on the reply board was an envelope marked "Joshua, Villa 487"! Yay, I had a letter from Santa Clause! This is what it said:

Dear Joshua

Last night I received a very nice letter from you that my helpers delivered from Center Parcs.

I do hope that it was a toy machine gun that you wanted for Christmas and not a real one as that really would be a surprise for your little sister.

Your handwriting was very good for a boy of 4 years old. Keep practicing.

I will be thinking of you on Christmas Day opening your presents while I have a well earned rest eating my mince pies!

Love Santa x

P.S. I'm sure when you grow up you'll want to change your name to something shorter like Josh.

I was suspicious. The writer obviously realised that I wasn't four and that I prefered to be called Josh. I figured they must have looked at the information sheets that you submit when you book the holiday. But if they had gone that far, then they would also realise that I don't have a little sister. It was all a bit fishy. Then it dawned on me, Santa's hand writing was a bit too similar to my Auntie's.

Ingredients:

Sister (about to turn 18)
Cake ingredients
About 8 big packets of assorted sweets

Method:

1. Wait for sister to ask you to make her a birthday cake, a big 18 with sweets on it.
2. Make cake with quite a lot of help from Mum (don't worry if a third too much oil is put in by accident).
3. Decide not to simply put sweets on the cake, but to cover it so you can hardly see any icing.
4. Do this and for every five sweets put on, eat one just because they are so yummy and addictive.
5. Completely coat the whole cake, the total sweet count should end up at about one thousand.
6. Congratulations, you now feel very sick.

Believe me — it works! I don't want to go near that cake ever again.

This morning, I leaped out of bed and dashed over to my advent calendar in eager anticipation... ok, maybe that isn't quite true. I crawled out of bed, stumbled around for quite a while and completely forgot my calendar until nearly lunch time. When I did finally remember I searched around for the right little door to open, tore through the cardboard and foil... Yes! I don't believe it! JACKPOT! Well, almost. I had got 2 chocolates! I was just in the process of starting a victory dance when I realised the door next to it did not have a chocolate in it. Doh! I solemnly put the extra chocolate back where it was meant to go and began munching my single chocolate in quiet resignation.

Not all stories have happy endings.